Legal cartoons and humorous comment (c) Paul Brennan. All rights reserved.

I decided on 101 reasons as I didn’t want to depress the entire legal profession by having 1,001.
Paul Brennan, Lawyer, Sunshine Coast, Queensland, Australia

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Free Speech in the Home

Dear John

Now that the children have left home, my wife says that I am not allowed to shout at the cat anymore in case the neighbours think that I am shouting at her. Is there no end to censorship?

BC

Dear BC

Free speech is under attack not only in our households but everywhere. It is not possible to criticise certain causes without being subjected to a full hue and cry. I will not mention those causes here for obvious reasons.

Joseph Stalin once said “Remove the man, remove the problem”. This can not only be applied to cats but also to wives, husbands and other family members.


Extract from - "I'll have the law on you -selected letters of John Fytit" to be published later this year. 

(c) Paul Brennan 2015. All rights reserved. 

sponsored by Brennans solicitors


Sunday, June 14, 2015

Car Parking Space Abuse

There is a time in a movie when the mild mannered citizen finally cracks and seeks retribution. This is how I felt the other morning when someone parked in my car parking space. In Queensland, we do not strap on our Colt 45, or load up our shotgun we use stickers.

Despite being red, bearing the word WARNING, containing threats of a financial penalty  and the car being towed away stickers have proven less effective than lynching.

One problem is that the sticker repeats the same threats that appear on the Warning Sign which the offender ignored on the way into the car park. To be effective threats must escalate. For instance, attach a rock to a sticker bearing the words “We know where you live”.

If your Warning Sign is being ignored ditch the legalese and put something more compelling such as “Ebola Research Centre”.

Victims are urged not to place the sticker on the windscreen but on a side window so that the offender’s line of sight is not impaired during the getaway. Whereas victims call for poster sized Warning Stickers.

At midday I looked out the window, the offending car was gone and I reclaimed my space. It was then that three things occurred to me:
1.       It had been the morning of our trust account audit;
2.       The auditor had left just before noon; and
3.       As I had stuck the sticker on the windscreen I was impressed by  the neatness of the car interior.

Whether or not, it was a friendly fire sticker incident we will hopefully never know.

Would it help to give Warning Stickers legal authority? Yes, but only if there was someone (possibly  a masked stranger)  ready  to enforce such laws against wrong doers.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Your inheritance is free – but is it safe?

Many family issues are common place:

Your wayward son is not unique especially when drink is involved. 
If your daughter-in-law is a fright, you are not alone.
And I will not start you off on your husband.

You have reached an age where you can see the big picture and your mother was right. 

Now what? Well, it will take determination, strength and a legal fees…. but first read Hang on to it girl - The Wily Woman's Guide to Wills. 

Cherie Blair described this book as “funny and short”, or at least I think she was referring to the book. 

“Guaranteed to make the woman of the house laugh which could be a first in some cases” John Fytit, lawyer.

http://www.brennanlaw.com.au/
Sponsored by Brennans Solicitors

Monday, April 6, 2015

Moving Courts On-Line


Dear John 

I understand that there is a big push worldwide to move courts online to increase efficiency and reduce cost. Will this really help?

C.L.

Dear C.L.

Although we should keep certain traditions such as having everything in triplicate, many welcome law-on-line as an opportunity for reform.




Here are five proposals:

  1. There is no need to have a judge at every court. In the eleventh century, itinerant judges went from town to town on particular circuits dispensing the King’s justice as required. Judges could be kept at a central location called a “Home” and sent to courts on request. How often would that be? Well, according to focus groups - never. But, even if it were not often, there would still be substantial savings. 
  2. Already in our courts, oral submissions have for the most part been replaced with written submissions. Would it not be more efficient to have an on-line questionnaire with a choice of four answers “Yes”, “No”, “It all depends” or “I don’t know”?
  3. Legal service consumers who have long complained about the performance and appearance of their lawyers should have a choice between standard lawyers and muscle bulging digitized virtual lawyers equipped with the type of weaponry available in any computer game. 
  4. Prison sentences and other old fashioned penalties could be replaced with virtual punishment. For instance, virtual tagging preventing offenders from going on Facebook. Community service could be served in Second Life.
  5. I have long thought that a jury of twelve is far too small. In ancient Athens juries consisted of five hundred citizens. We could easily outdo this by using Twitter. If submissions were only 140 characters, cases could be over in minutes. 

I do not agree with those who wish to replace familiar terms such as “plaintiffs” and “defendants” with something less confrontational such as “survivors”. However litigants should be allowed to choose their own court persona to protect their privacy and spice up the court lists.

How much saving could such reforms achieve? Well, if Instagram can manage thirty million subscribers with thirteen staff I think we can do better than that.

J.F.


Extract from - I'll have the law on you -selected letters of John Fytit to be published later this year. 

(c) Paul Brennan 2015. All rights reserved. 

Sponsored by Brennans solicitors


Sunday, March 15, 2015

“No Frills” Courts

Dear John

Sturdy docks and wooden benches have been replaced by plastic chairs and flimsy furnishings in our courtrooms in a “No Frills” initiative. Is this not an affront to the dignity of the judicial process?

J.S.

Dear J.S.

There may be some room for “No Frills” cutbacks on judges’ lodgings, for instance but I agree that the courtroom is the showcase of our entire judicial system. 

Airlines vary their service offering based on the quality of the passengers. There is a natural legal pecking order that would lend itself to this approach in our courtrooms. For instance, senior members of the profession should have First Class seating especially for long haul trials. At tense moments, oxygen masks could drop down. For emergencies, there could be dinner jackets underneath the seats.

We would all gain from sick bags being available especially during the submissions of certain well-meaning advocates.

After lunch, lights could be dimmed, and anyone wishing to pay attention could use their reading lights. 

Once we have the right seating, there will be no need to go to the canteen for morning tea. It could be brought in by the ushers thereby increasing efficiency. 

Bathroom breaks have always been an issue. But a light saying “remain seated” operated by the judge could be usefully combined with tannoy announcements throughout the courthouse to ensure we did not miss anything.  

Young lawyers would from time to time be upgraded from economy seating.

I am not in favour of earphones, movies and magazines, but these should be optional in the public gallery. Such options would be far more effective in achieving a dignified silence than the cold stares of police and ushers. 

Add a court miles scheme, experiments with massage and our courts would once again become the envy of the legal world. 

John Fytit


Extract from - I'll have the law on you -selected letters of John Fytit to be published later this year. 

(c) Paul Brennan 2015. All rights reserved. 

Sponsored by Brennans solicitors

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Employees, “Pick up your banner and move forward...”

Almost ten years ago, I established Employee Legal Awareness Day. This year, it was mentioned by the United Nations (slightly) and various other organisations and companies around the world.

One website suggested that the day could be used by employees for protest and street demonstrations. Although this is not quite what I had in mind, it is probably the sort of encouragement that propelled lawyer, Fidel Castro to his destiny. 

We have already started planning next year. Will the Soviet Union be turning up? I don’t think so. Why do you ask?

(c) Paul Brennan 2015. All rights reserved. 

Sponsored by Brennans solicitors



Employee Legal Awareness Day takes place each year on February 13th. It is to emphasize the importance of legal education for employees and small businesses to reduce their risk of legal problems. Comrades (with or without banners) welcome. For more information contact Paul Brennan at info@brennanlaw.com.au.


Sunday, February 8, 2015

Robots to Replace Young Lawyers by 2030


Despite Moore’s Law, to create a robot that knows everything is far too ambitious. I suggest that they start by replacing sole practitioners and work their way up to young lawyers.

Legal robots (“Law-bots”) would offer solutions to the many problems that have beset clients for millennia. For instance:
1. Law-bots could be programmed to have a sense of humour.
2. Airborne Law-bots called “Drones” could attend the scene of legal arguments to quickly resolve legal disputes. The prospect of more than one Drone turning up, some equipped with armaments, would need to be thought through. 
3. Law-bots could be programmed to always say yes to business deals. There would need to be the necessary adjustment to professional insurance contributions and an increase in Litigation-bots to deal with the fall out.
4. Trial by combat could be reintroduced with 300 lb Law-bots acting as champions. 
5. Judges would delight in a volume dial/stop button for Trial Attorney-bots.
6. Judge-bots could be programmed not to listen without nodding off.
7. Lawyers could offer value by diversifying their product offering. From a superior Rolex-bot with gold trim for expensive disputes to the Home Law-bot dealing with domestic arguments and folded away when not in use, even doubling as a dishwasher.

There would be female F-Law-bots to demonstrate the profession’s commitment to diversity and equal opportunity. However, they would not be programmed to wash up, or collect the dry cleaning to prevent any claims of Bot-Abuse. 

Above all Legalbotics would offer substantial savings e.g. In-house Law-bots would not need five star hotels and share options.

Law-bots are an opportunity for lawyers to relaunch their brand and create a new image which would make legal jokes a thing of the past. 

This is our chance to throw off the glasses, the comb over and release the Dalek, or indeed the R2-D2 within us.

(c) Paul Brennan 2015. All rights reserved. 

Sponsored by Brennans solicitors


Sunday, February 1, 2015

Sex in the Dock - The Lady Chatterley’s Lover Trial

In 1960 at the Old Bailey, Penguin faced prosecution under the Obscene Publications Act for its publication of Lady Chatterley’s Lover by D.H. Lawrence who had died in 1930.

In the book, Lady Chatterley has an affair with her husband’s gamekeeper as her husband is unable to have sexual intercourse due to a WW1 injury.

Did the book tend to deprave and corrupt? If so, was its publication 'for the public good' on the grounds of its literary merits?

Apart from the “f” word being used 30 times, the Prosecutor listed sexual intercourse taking place “thirteen times” including in “her husband’s house,…a hut,…the undergrowth,…when stark naked and dripping with raindrops…" He concluded, “And finally…we have it all over again in the attic in a Bloomsbury boarding-house.”

The Prosecutor asked, “Would you approve of your… young daughters – because girls can read as well as boys – reading this book?... Is it a book that you would even wish your wife or servants to read?”

The Defence said that society cannot fix its standards by what is suitable for a 14-year-old.

Over a six-day trial there were a number of witnesses, including:

1. Author Rebecca West who gave evidence that the book had literary merit, but was badly written by a man who had no sense of humour and no background of education in his home.  
2. The Bishop of Woolwich who agreed that Christians ought to read it. This led to the headline in the evening papers, “A Book all Christians should read”.

The Defence contended that Shakespeare’s Antony and Cleopatra may as well have been a “story of a sex-starved man copulating with an Egyptian Queen.”

The Judge summed up suggesting that the jury think of “factory girls reading in their lunchtime.”

After a six-day trial, the Jury found Penguin not guilty.

(c) Paul Brennan 2015. All rights reserved. 

Sponsored By Brennans solicitors





Sunday, September 28, 2014

The family lawyer is dead


Q. Our family has had the same lawyer for years but in his efforts to be even-handed he seems to be giving equal weight to the views of my daughter-in-law even when they contradict my own.

A. The day of the genial lawyer steering generations of the same family through their legal affairs has gone. We have had to specialise as family members have become more self-centred and unwilling to follow the guidance of the matriarch.

There are specialist lawyers for each member of the family. One national law firm, “Drinking Works” has gone after the trillion dollar “wastrel sons” market. The moment it got out that interviews were held in the local bar starting at lunchtime the work dried up for the rest of us.

I have had to re-organise my firm and decided to target the unappreciated husbands and fathers market which has long needed an advocate. I am considering rebranding my firm to “Wife Works” which I believe will have appeal to many husbands. I dismissed the idea of “Child at Uni Works” after several trials.

With both husband and wife separately represented, Saturday night arguments would need to be rescheduled to office hours  leading to increasingly peaceful “off the record” weekends. A wife’s alleged nagging would take the form of carefully crafted letters and result in less repetition. A detailed and accurate record of the husband’s failings would be available for later court proceedings and the wife’s friends, over coffee.

What slightly crazed and cranky uncle would not be happier with an equally irrational lawyer being irritated on his behalf? Larger law firms could stop hiding such practitioners or forcing them into practice on their own. 

With animal rights specialists, the family dog could demand rather than beg.

A Mother-in-Law Law Specialist can give you the support and empathy that you may need.

Extract from - I'll have the law on you -selected letters of John Fytit to be published later this year. 

(c) Paul Brennan 2014. All rights reserved. 

Sponored by Brennans solicitors

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Your Dad and his money

Warning: The is an extract from the Law & Disorder eZine which adopts a humorous approach to alert those who have yet to face certain legal issues. If your father is getting on and losing his mind, see a lawyer. However if he is only at the stage of losing his car keys, read on. 
Your Dad and his money


Has your Dad lost his marbles? If so, it is all over for him making a will in your favour, or changing an existing will to disinherit a few of your siblings as he does not have the mental capacity to do so. On the positive side once he has “lost capacity” you do not need to visit him so often, to avoid losing out.

A lawyer will often send aged clients off to a doctor to witness the will and also they will ask questions (and take detailed notes) to determine if their client knows:
  • That he is making a will?
  • How much he is worth?
  • Who he would normally leave it to and in what proportions?
  • And that he does appear sane.

The more complex the will or the change, the more “on the ball” the testator and lawyer must be.

A general suspicion of lack of capacity e.g. age and/or illness is not enough for a court, there must be clear evidence of significant doubt that the testator had capacity.

The onus of proof weighs on those supporting the will. The court will look at any suspicious behaviour (often helpfully supplied by an ex-wife). Or suspicious circumstances, such as any irrational provisions, beneficiaries excluded unexpectedly or undue influence (e.g. carer windfalls).

Trials are awash with evidence of bitter relatives and concerned neighbours together with medical evidence. Your lawyer with his notes will be a star witness.

Your lawyer may use his own sanity as a benchmark which can be a very low hurdle. The chances of your lawyer being sued in borderline cases by disinherited beneficiaries are quite high.

Therefore, do not expect any senior citizen discounts next time that you wheel your old decrepit dad in for a will. Your lawyer will check to ensure that their client is sane, whereas normally there is no such obligation.

(c) Paul Brennan 2013. All rights reserved. Paul Brennan is the author of The Legal Guide to Dying...Baby Boomers Edition which you can download from Amazon.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

The Art of War and advising clients

Dear John

With the internet, the first interview with a client can be like a tutorial on the subject of their legal issue. I find it very enlightening, but wish to return to the days when I gave insightful comments rather than just listening attentively and looking it up later.

M.

Dear M

I have known clients to painstakingly research the law on the internet only to find it had changed by the time that they got to my office. After spending hours trawling the internet, I believe clients have a better understanding of what we have had to put up with. They are relieved when I refuse to trot out the usual legal claptrap and instead focus on their issue.

I seldom use law at all, and rely on the Art of War by Sun Tzu, which is a manual on warfare written 2,500 years ago. It is a sort of Quentin Tarantino version of Don't Sweat the Small Stuff.


The Art of War is extremely effective in planning strategies but combine its authority with the benefit of hindsight and you will once again find yourself offering sage, insightful comments to appreciative clients.

What clients do not want to hear that their previous lawyer had disastrously and expensively laid a prolonged siege rather than rushing forward to secure a quick victory, or had rushed forward rather than adopting safer ground until the time was right?

I first started to use the Art of War to convince trainee lawyers that everything was their fault as any discussion with them involving law always left me feeling that I was to blame.

Once you are known as an Art of War Practitioner other lawyers may no longer feel smug at your inaction as appearing to do nothing is the ultimate deception. You will feel a general euphoria that however bad things may appear, a brilliant unfathomable plan is at work and will come to you eventually.

At thirteen chapters, the Art of War is a far easier read than the entire common law, and you will be pleased to know that there was no Latin in Ancient China.


J.F.

Extract from - I'll have the law on you -selected letters of John Fytit to be published later this year. 

(c) Paul Brennan 2014. All rights reserved. 

Sponsored by Brennans solicitors



Sunday, July 20, 2014

Book Review by the Journal of the Law Society of Scotland

When asked, “Why 101 reasons”, Paul Brennan, who is a practising lawyer, explained: “I didn’t want to depress the entire legal profession by having 1,001.”
Having started life as a blog, this book combines cartoons, satire and anecdotes about our profession. Some of them may even be true. Almost without exception they contain something to make the more self-aware pause and reflect on how we have gone about our business.
Let’s start with the introductory page. Lawyers, we are told, are thought to be arrogant, pompous, aggressive, tactless, confrontational, pedantic, expensive, unscrupulous, ruthless, negative, devious and slow. It is suggested that one of the main causes of stress in the profession is the difficulty many of us have in living up to these expectations at all times. One lawyer, who declined to be interviewed, confessed that on occasion he spoke to his staff in a normal manner: one client, who did not wish to be named, said that he found his lawyer “quite nice.” O tempora, o mores. Rumour has it that some have turned to training organisations which deal with medical receptionists because of their ability to generate aggression and ill will among patients with such minimal interaction.
Nonsense aside, this book will make you laugh out loud. Buy it for your waiting room; buy it for your lawyer friends, or just buy it for yourself. A treat.
David J Dickson
Books Review Editor

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An Inspiring story for Prosecutors

Dear John

With crime rates falling, we Prosecutors have had to turn to our back catalogue of offences by ageing celebrities but with memories lapsing and witnesses dying the evidence in such cases can be questionable.

Should we just wait and hope that crime picks up, or should we press on and take what we can get?

P.

Dear P.

There is no patron saint of hopeless cases, but there are many examples of Prosecutors pulling some very unlikely convictions out of the hat.

For instance, during the Napoleonic wars a ship’s pet monkey was shipwrecked on a beach in the North of England. The locals captured the monkey mistakenly believing it to be a French spy as it was dressed in military uniform.

The monkey was interrogated, tried, found guilty and hung. 

In that case, the burden would have been on the Prosecutor to prove beyond reasonable doubt that the monkey had an intention to spy-no easy task.

Let us not forget the defence lawyer’s task of taking clear instructions long before the advent of dedicated Animal Rights Lawyers.

All this, on a windy beach, with the constant chatter of the defendant in the background.

It is work like this which is an inspiration to Prosecutors everywhere.










Ed  note: Years ago, I was asked to represent a defendant before a Magistrates Court. I calculated his legal aid contribution, and when I told him that he would need to contribute $2.00 for my services, he decided to represent himself. He gets out next week.



Extract from - I'll have the law on you - The selected letter of John Fytit  
(c) Paul Brennan 2014. All rights reserved. 

Sponsored by Brennans solicitors


Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Subway allegedly Held to Ransom


Last year, my son, introduced me to the delights of the Meat Ball Sub. I even mentioned Subway at my daughter's wedding. So, when Channel 7 Breakfast Show "Sunrise" asked me to comment on an alleged threat by a Subway franchisee to expose Subway's recipes on the internet if they did not pay him $35M, I could not resist......click here to see the interview.

For advice about legal issues concerning sandwiches or generallycontact Paul Brennan at Brennans solicitors.

Sponsored by Brennans Solicitors

Sunday, June 22, 2014

The Art of War - coping with conflict


Most people engage in litigation only once unless they have a very understanding spouse. At the outset, there is a lot to be gained by reading the Art of War by Sun Tzu, which is not only a manual of warfare, but a sage guide to engaging in conflicts both business and personal.

For those potential litigants who do not have the time to read the Art of War, here is the take home:

Twelve lessons for litigants from the Art of War by Sun Tzu

1.    Do not first fight and then look for victory.
2.    Supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy’s resistance without fighting, next attacking in the field, the worst strategy is to besiege as prolonged warfare is expensive.
3.    Rapidity is the essence of war, take advantage of your enemy's unreadiness, march by unexpected routes and attack unguarded spots.
4.    The object of war is peace.
5.    When attacking leave an outlet free to make your enemy believe that there is still a safe road of escape as enemies in desperate straits will show a lack of fear.
6.    If the enemy has achieved an unassailable height before you do, do not follow, but retreat and try to entice your enemy away by threatening another place that he must relieve.
7.    If his forces are united, separate them.
8.    When faced with a superior enemy about to attack, begin by seizing something your enemy holds dear and then he will be amenable to your will (the “goolie manoeuvre”).
9.    Devise unfathomable plans while knowing your enemy’s disposition. Thereby, he must spread his resources whereas you can attack at his weakest point in strength.
10.  Win people over by kind treatment and use them as spies, as intelligence is of utmost importance.
11.  Warfare is based on deception, when able to attack seem unable, when active seem inactive, pretend to be weak so he may grow arrogant.
12.  To begin by bluster and then take fright at the enemy’s numbers shows a supreme lack of intelligence.

Having said that even a small homily from Sun Tzu within marriage is dangerous ground.  For instance, it is difficult to explain to a wife that the “object of war is peace” especially where a daughter in law is concerned.


This is an extract from the second edition of Unleashing the Dogs of Law which the author intends to get around to but for now the 1st edition is not bad. Click here to view the 1st edition.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

The Hong Kong Handover 1997

At midnight on 30 June 1997 I was standing in Central, Hong Kong (HK) with my wife, Diane.
The weather was miserable; it was raining. Except for the temporary stadium nearby hosting the farewell for Chris Patten with Prince Charles in attendance, the streets were empty. Either there was something good on TV or the local Chinese had decided it was not a good idea to be seen taking to the streets.
In 1990, when we arrived in Hong Kong the local Chinese were clamouring for overseas passports (moving their families overseas to achieve residency status). Large crowds demonstrated angrily about democracy and June 4th. Confidence in the economy was low. There were bank runs. As the decade moved on, confidence was restored and there was frenzy on the stock and property markets,
The power visibly shifted from London to local wealthy Chinese and then to Beijing. By 1997, there was an air of acceptance, local Chinese had rediscovered their mainland roots, and everyone seemed to have a mainland cousin. The order of the day seemed to be to keep their heads down and maintain business as usual.
People worried about the mainland bringing lawlessness to Hong Kong.
One lunchtime, I heard bullets being exchanged in a running gunfight between mainland robbers of a gold shop and the HK police on the streets of Central. The HK police soon discovered that ex PLA (People’s Liberation Army) soldiers had been recruited by local Triads to carry out gold shop robberies in Central. It is rumoured that the Triads were told to knock it off. The robberies stopped.
A few months before the handover PLA troops had been stationed in Hong Kong. They were paid very little and people were concerned that they would get into mischief as soldiers do. In fact, they were locked inside their Central barracks and did not seem to be allowed out.
The Basic Law was implemented, and Human Rights legislation was introduced. However, Beijing was to call the shots in Legco (HK’s parliament). As the handover came near supporters of the mainland government surfaced, becoming vocal and dominant. The parties supporting democracy under Martin Lee became beleaguered.
Chris Patten advocated democracy for the HK people a little bit too rigorously, and Beijing dubbed him a “prostitute” and “man of eternal guilt."
It was against this background that on 19 June 1997 Diane and I sat in Legco for the Last Question Time of Chris Patten. Some Pro-Beijing councillors were openly hostile towards him asking questions such as, was he ashamed of what he had been doing.
Chris Patten gave the most brilliant of performances. He wiped the floor with hostile questioners. Everyone else enjoyed the event immensely. We were all aware that this was a historic occasion.
So that is how I found myself in Central at midnight on 30 June 1997 singing “Rule Britannia." It seemed the right thing to do. A few people joined in. Others watched on in silence.
We then walked to the harbour and watched Chris Patten sail away on the Britannia, its light ablaze.
On our way to the harbour we chatted to a HK Chinese policeman. He gave us a button from his uniform; the crown was not required anymore.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Ombudsman - The Great Pretender ....sometimes

Dear John

As a reward for long government service, I have been offered the job of Ombudsman. However, it sounds a little bit too challenging this near to my retirement. I am concerned that it may be too taxing and argumentative.

O.

Dear O.

In days of old there were knights who were bold, but also there were many knights who just pottered around their castles and occasionally girded their loins to attend banquets. Whether they lacked inclination or funds, they were still knights; such is the power of branding.

The Ombudsman is not an advocate for complainants nor is he there to stick up for government departments. He is somewhere in the politically correct but potentially ineffective middle. Doing anything while maintaining your independence with both sides can be difficult, therefore, doing nothing can be an attractive and sensible option for some Ombudsmen bearing in mind that most complainants could be classified as last resort crackpots.

Here are the seven habits of highly ineffective Ombudsmen:
  1.   Try to close complaints without doing anything at all. This is easier that you think.
  2.  Increase complaint numbers by accepting complaints by telephone, email, website, even twitter, anonymous or otherwise. Vague complaints are easier to close.
  3. Do not identify and properly resource complaints that have merit, treat them all the same and spread your resources thinly so that you can be seen to be fairly dealing with each one, albeit ineffectively.
  4. Leverage complaints. If the complaint is made too early, it can be opened, and then closed and then reopened again, once the time has arrived for the complaint to be received. So that one complaint becomes statistically, two complaints.
  5. Do not have customer satisfaction surveys unless you are forced to do so. Put testimonials on your website and issue loads of statistics.
  6. Offer training to government departments on how they can deal cheerfully but not too effectively with complaints. This will create further statistics and keep your staff fully occupied.
  7.  Some ungrateful complainants may complain about you too, label these as vexatious so that no one takes any notice of them.

As a safe, reticent bureaucratic pair of hands you may be considered perfect for the position.

JF


Extract from - I'll have the law on you -unmitigated advice on law and lawyers by John Fytit AO to be published later this year. 

(c) Paul Brennan 2014. All rights reserved. 


Note: if you are an Ombudsman and can answer “yes” to any one of these habits please consider moving over and letting someone else have a go.

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