Advice to Mothers in law making a Will

Dear John

I have appointed my son as my Executor as he is devoted to me. However, I am concerned that he has fallen under the influence of my daughter in law who has asked me if I had any objection to a “Cardboard Coffin”.  

Is there any legal obligation on the executor not to be too cheap with the funeral arrangements?

Worried mother

Dear Worried Mother

You are right to be concerned, Edith Piaf’s mother was put out with the trash.

You could express a wish in your Will for either cremation or burial but usually that does not bind the Executor. 

Whereas, your Will makes specific directions for the disposal of your money and other assets, your body is not really property as such, and therefore it is up to your executor as to how it should be disposed of, within reason. Health departments and courts can, in certain circumstances, deter some of the more enthusiastic means of disposal favoured by daughters in law, such as “sky burial”.

However, careful wording of the Will can alleviate some of your concerns. A clause such as “I leave $5000 to a donkey sanctuary unless I am buried in a solid oak coffin” should suffice. It does not need to be oak and can be any other material, although I would caution against any precious metals e.g. gold or silver as even a clause specifying “and remains there” can be ignored.

I find that once this method is explained to clients even the most conservative life can be celebrated with professional mourners, a horse drawn hearse, or apologies read out by certain relatives at the graveside.

Finally, a court would find that as Executor this is your son’s decision alone and your daughter in law should make that quite clear to him.

J.F.

(c) Paul Brennan 2013. All rights reserved. Extract from John Fytit’s International Legal Problem Page. For more go to http://www.lawanddisorder.com.au/legaladvicepage.html

Dull and Duller

I have always supported Facebook’s quest to create increasingly accurate algorithms so that users would only be subjected to highly targeted advertising. Until, that is, the advertisement for “singles” on the side of my Facebook page was replaced by an advertisement for a pair of sensible brown shoes. 

Rather than a targeted promotion, I suspect that this was the work of some fresh faced youngster at Facebook, pressed to recategorize the entire legal profession before the pizza was delivered.

However, could the young lady who depressingly offered me her seat on the train be part of this conspiracy? Why, when a client asked “I bet your Jag goes some” did I reply “I wouldn’t know”? How is it that just before Christmas last year, I left work at 5pm, went to two cocktail parties and still arrived home at 7.20pm?

This fine-tuning of algorithms may also explain the ubiquitous appearance of Volvo adverts in my world.

If Facebook are right, they will soon find as so many lawyers have done, prosecuting or defending, that the truth in some circumstances is inconvenient and an unwelcome hurdle to client satisfaction.

(c) Paul Brennan 2013. All rights reserved.

Do all lawyers shout?

Dear John

I have just married a lawyer and found that the shouting actually increased after the wedding. Do all lawyers shout and is there anything that I can do about it?

Concerned newly wed

Dear CN

Not all lawyers shout. There are lawyers who prefer malevolent silences, which are only sometimes accompanied by angry outbursts, called judges.

But, the law does seem to be full of people who do not listen. It can be due to arrogance, but more often it is the result of extreme deafness or the people listening to a lawyer tuning out, this is not only the clients. Therefore, when making an important point, shouting can be a useful tool.

You could find that your spouse with the passing of the years may change, but often with lawyers, it is not for the better.

Therefore, it is an inside job, acceptance being the key. For instance, as you get older, you may find the shouting, motivational and informative, rather than irritating.

On reflection, it may be best to get out now.

J.F.

(c) Paul Brennan 2013. All rights reserved. Extract from John Fytit’s International Legal Problem Page. For more go to http://www.lawanddisorder.com.au/legaladvicepage.html

My lawyer never recognises me

Dear John

My lawyer never recognises me; it is as if he is meeting a stranger each time. He has been my lawyer for 10 years and whereas I do not expect a red carpet, I would like him to know who I am.

Is this absentmindedness or arrogance?

NL

Dear NL

In your next appointment ask your lawyer for money. Your lawyer will never forget you again.

This not only works with lawyers but also with accountants. Although, with accountants watch out for seizures and any other adverse medical reaction, which could lead to a claim.

It does not work with bankers who treat requests for money with indifference or mild amusement, although missed repayments work pretty well.

If it was arrogance, your lawyer would not see you at all and leave it to his secretary.

I am sure your lawyer would be mortified as I would be, if you were one of my clients, which you are not, are you? 

J.F.

What type of degree is best for a legal career?

How to Get Stuffed

I learnt something interesting the other day. Apparently, the LL.B (Hons) law degree is hopelessly out of date when compared with the highly complex and totally cool Juris Doctor law degree that my son has just started. I am so pleased that he felt able to share this with me and his mother who was also hoodwinked into taking the LL.B (Hons) degree.

I must concede, who would want the indecipherable “LL.B (Hons)” after their name when they can have a title which incorporates the word “doctor” - an acknowledged babe magnet.

Of course, having been sold a pup several decades ago, it is too late to try and get my money back as the University of London is probably long gone by now.

Looking at the syllabus of the Juris Doctor I note with some relief that they still teach contract law, because if they had got rid of that half my practice would have gone.

Note:

(i)                   The University of London does continue and has on public display Jeremy Bentham (author, jurist, philosopher and legal and social reformer), who died and was stuffed (possibly by his parents) in 1832 after making some injudicious comment about the LL.B (Hons) degree. Here is a photograph ... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeremy_Bentham.

(ii)  LL.B is short for Legum Baccalaureus meaning load of old cobblers in Latin.

Taxi Drivers and Tasers

A policeman in England tasered a blind man, mistaking his white cane for a Samurai sword. The police do not always get it right.

Recently, a taxi driver drove off with my bag. The cab company sent texts to the driver who did not reply. As the days passed, I advised myself that even if it wasn't returned, it contained little of value and to pursue it was a waste of my time and energy. However, despite my advice I decided to pursue this matter as one of principle. Lawyers ignore irritatingly, sensible legal advice too.

Now, if you have seen the film Saving Private Ryan you will know how important it became for me to get that bag back home and the lengths to which I was prepared to go.

The industry’s Taxi Complaint Line promised an investigation would begin within 14 days. In these days of privacy no one could divulge to me the driver’s name, cab rank or even his number.  In fact, taxi drivers use numbers rather than names to protect them from harassment/violence by their passengers. I had not realized how important this was to them.

The Police Complaint Line were determined to keep the crime rate down by recording this as an incident rather than a crime. They suggested that the driver may have forgotten the destination address, or he left the bag in the cab where it was stolen by person or persons unknown. I found myself thinking that he may have failed to read the label with my name and telephone number (possibly due to illiteracy).

On day five, two police officers confronted the driver at his home and seized the bag. The driver was as surprised as I was.

Could the police have done this any better? What, with a taser you mean?

(c) Paul Brennan 2011 All rights reserved.

Being put out to grass

Dear John,

After 25 years and several mergers I have found myself a partner at a large law firm which has decided to put me out to grass, a little bit like Logan’s Run. They have done so in a kindly, strategic manner and have given me an extremely generous severance package. I feel obliged to take it and go quietly rather than going legal.

Anon

(name and firm withheld)

Dear Anon,

Except for sexual harassment, which at your age is understandably not an issue, getting legal is too predictable.

There is a true story about an old miser in a small village in Germany who was very unpopular. When he died he left a will which gave generously to every single person in the village.  The will provided funds for a wake to which all the villagers were invited, the deceased was to be dressed in his best suit and laid out on his bed so that the villagers could pay their last respects.

The villagers went to his cottage, trooped up the stairs and stood around his bed. Just as someone had started to say he wasn’t so bad after all, there was a loud crash, the floorboards gave way and several villagers were killed.

The old miser had sawn away the joists underneath the floor boards.

Not only does this illustrate just one of the many advantages of having a will, it shows that revenge can be a coping mechanism for stressful situations.

After 25 years, you will have a corner (hopefully upstairs) office, coveted by every other lawyer in the firm. Immediately, after your departure they will all rush to your office to lay their respective claims……

Going gentle into that goodnight may be your most sensible option, but it is not your only option.

JF

(c) Paul Brennan 2011. All rights reserved. Extract from John Fytit’s International Legal Problem Page. For more go tohttp://www.lawanddisorder.com.au/legaladvicepage.html

Lawyer conditions

Dear John,

My lawyer is full of himself. He is not so bad when I see him on his own in his office, but when we are at meetings with others, especially lawyers, he becomes quite unbearable. Should I tell him?

EC

-------------------------

Dear EC,

Some lawyers do have a lot to feel smug about. It is just that most of them are exceptionally good at hiding it.

I find lawyers with a slightly regal presence, male or female, can add to the occasion of any meeting. If you have seen Lady Catherine de Bourgh in the BBC production of Pride and Prejudice, you will know the sort of thing I mean.

However, lawyers with a pained expression and whiny tone are hard to bear. When I get to that stage, I intend to seek help.

You can tell your lawyer, but it sounds as if he may have developed Attention Pained Rectal Attorney Trauma ("APRAT") for which the most effective course is an intervention by his own partners. Some firms set aside every Monday for such interventions, so it may just be a matter of booking him in.

J.F.

Lawyers' Welcome Signs

Dear John

My lawyer has erected a sign by the front door of his law firm saying “Welcome”. Do you think that this applies to all his clients, or will the next step be that he will require some of us to go around the back?

MC

Dear MC

I do not think a lawyer is behind this, it is more likely some brash young marketer.

I am all for throwing out the threadbare carpets but a sign saying “Welcome” raises dangerously unrealistic expectations. 

Having said that, law firms should not foster an impression of hostility and that is one of the reasons that many small law firms have removed their receptionists. 

In the 1990s, law firm receptions were as busy as those of doctors. However, with the advent of email, fewer clients attended personally for interviews and due to isolation, many receptionists turned to drink. Greetings to clients, which overnight turned from stern to welcoming and even jolly, often became morose by late afternoon.

To counter this, receptionists designed higher reception desks to hide the bottles, ear pieces were employed to explain the occasional muttering and they remained seated to avoid collapse or in some cases, unseemly dancing. 

Clients became used to peering over high reception desks to see the receptionist on the telephone, looking into the distance, absentmindedly mumbling.

But eventually receptionists were taken into the back office, dried out and rehabilitated. Many have gone on to achieve successful careers as prison camp guards.

Recently, a conveyancing lawyer was persuaded by his marketing manager to put up a sign outside his office which read, “Prepare to be Amazed and Astounded”. His wife quickly took it down.

J.F.

Send your legal questions to john.fytit@lawanddisorder.com.au

Extract from John Fytit’s International Legal Problem Page. For more go to http://www.lawanddisorder.com.au/legaladvicepage.html 


Warning:

Relying on legal advice from a fictitious cartoon character although cheap, is imprudent. However, your own lawyer is always available as a poor second.

John will try to deal with your questions. Nonethless, as John is a two dimensional cartoon character it will not be possible for him to enter into personal correspondence with readers. 

John like some other lawyers, is not to be trusted with serious legal questions.

(c) Paul Brennan 2013. All rights reserved. 

# 101 They cannot relate to children

“To present to your peers is stressful but to present to your teenage daughter’s peers is up there with death and moving house”   Paul Brennan

SPEECH TO THE CLASS OF 2011, VALEDICTORY DINNER,

IMMANUEL LUTHERAN COLLEGE

                                                                               

A teacher wrote in my Annual School Report, “Lazy, talkative and notable”. I thought “notable” did not sound too bad until I realized it was “not able”. They were the days before parent rage stalked school halls and teachers would give their unrestrained opinions. Today, they give students like me a more subtly insulting “You must be very proud of him”.

Some people say that teachers do not have a sense of humour.  I do not know where they would get that impression. In fact, all teachers and school staff have a wonderful sense of humour, they just can’t let students and us parents in on it. For instance, you cannot find the books you look for in the library, the librarians have convinced you that it is your fault as you do not understand the Dewey Decimal system.  In fact, there is no Dewey Decimal system . The Head Librarian, Mr Smith comes in every night and moves the books around. He thinks it is funny. 

To be a student with a passion for practical jokes may feel pretty good but to be Head of Senior School with a passion for practical jokes is out of sight. Now there is something to aim for.

Never, never, never lose your sense of humour. Your parents and teachers will tell you that there are many days in life when you will need it.  There is one coming up very soon.  The day your final examination results arrive. Before your parents launch into their usual tirade, having for your entire life brushed over their own school academic record, as I have done. Remind them that many of our greatest Australians did not get a good final exam result  either.  For instance, Ned Kelly, Mr Squiggle, Dorothy the Dinosaur. In fact, watching question time in our Parliament, it is clear that the country is being run by C students. This may seem wrong to you students but believe me it will give your parents great comfort and is the only thing keeping some of your teachers going, it gives them hope.

In a moment, I am going to ask all to stand as I wish to propose a toast to the teachers and staff of this the greatest school on the Sunshine Coast and I am not saying that because you lot are leaving. The toast shall be the words of Tina Turner “simply the best”. 

Paul Brennan

Sunshine Coast, Queensland, 18 November 2011

(Edited version)

(c) Paul Brennan a lawyer practicing on Queensland's Sunshine Coast

Click here for books, eBooks and CDs by Paul Brennan.

Like this cartoon mug? Click here to reward your commercial law team with mugs, shirts, clocks, intimate apparel and lots more. 

Are lawyers really unpopular? A four year study

There is only one reason left to go before I reach number 101 in this blog.

Four years ago, I started the this blog when a report was released concluding that judges enjoyed their work. Frankly, they could have fooled me. Now there is a study to suggest that lawyers in general are very happy with their job. However this was a UK study. Lawyers in the UK are known to be exceedingly happy whereas as you may be aware the rest of us can struggle.

I posted the next reason when I saw  lawyers in suits bravely fighting riot police in the streets of Islamabad, Pakistan. They were prepared to risk injury defending the independence of judges, even if an Economist report suggested that in another part of town, other Gucci clad lawyers cynically had photo ops in police vans.

After that, one reason followed another, intermittently. I decided on 101 reasons as I didn’t want to depress the entire legal profession by having 1,001 reasons.

I examined at length why lawyers and the law are still not fulfilling clients’ expectations.

I covered the general failings of some lawyers such as scruffiness and being dull based mainly on the observations of my own wife. I was soon looking back to when I started as a lawyer to explain that young lawyers can be a little bit full of themselves while conceding even the older ones are difficult to live with. I urged young lawyers to be more sensitive especially during the mandatory visit to the cells immediately after a client had received a prison sentence.

Complaints ranged from lawyers being too busy and ignoring clients to lawyers not being aggressive enough or even that they irritatingly tried to talk clients out of suing people rather than just getting on with it. But, basically it boiled down to the same 12 issues which have dogged lawyers for centuries, The Twelve.

By 2009 I had a strong suspicion that it was all the judges fault , although, I felt that legal receptionists needed to bear some, if not most of the responsibility for the supposed unpopularity of the profession.

I became convinced that many legal issues could have been avoided if clients could be directed away from situations which have so often have adverse legal and social consequences, such as:

• teaching their children to drive
• suing the wrong people
• disputes with mothers in law
• giving money away to anyone in their family
• admitting anything
• fighting the household cat
• leaving their spouse out of a will
• resisting their adult son’s attempts to put you in a home.

I suggested new forms of trial and innovative legal practice business models. I explained that procrastination by a lawyer was not just an inconvenience to their clients but to the other lawyer in the transaction.

In a desperate effort to try and keep the readers’ attention, I turned to sex -  obscenity, disgusting filth and my limited experience defending alleged Chinese brothel keepers in a tastefully written piece entitled “The Copper with the Golden Chopper”.

Also, I managed, as most lawyers do, to squeeze in a few of my own small successes such as my first appearance at the Old Bailey, my dispute with a lady over a car parking space and my fight with my own neighbour. I took the opportunity to defend my own record, yes one client did fall asleep when I was pleading for his liberty, but only once. 

I came to five conclusions:

• Certain classes of people had an irrational bias against lawyers, such as those married to them and I decided (quite some time ago) that their opinion should be ignored, or at least heavily discounted.
•  People generally liked their own lawyer – one man had four of them. Expressions such as clubbable and like an old Labrador were not uncommon.
• Everybody seemed to dislike other peoples’ lawyers, government lawyers, trainee lawyers and understandably law students.
• No one dared make a comment about legal receptionists or legal journalists.
• There was a strong dislike of in-house lawyers or anyone else receiving stock options mainly by private practice lawyers.

We lawyers are far more popular than we thought and it may be safe to encourage our own children to become lawyers, after all.

http://www.brennanlaw.com.au/

# 100. They do not outsource work overseas

Outsourcing Legal Services

The main benefit of overseas outsourcing is that legal work can be processed at a much lower hourly billable rate.

For what clients would normally pay for 5 billable minutes will give them at least 3 hours or more of telephone advice.

The client no longer has to chase their lawyer, they receive regular calls from the overseas outsource legal resource (“OOLR”) who is always ready to call back at a less busy time say, in the evening and, even at weekends.

The OOLR may not be that certain of local law, or law in general, however with a full three hours to address a 5 minute legal issue they and the client can usually work it out.

In fact, at these rates a client can afford more than one lawyer and often have conference calls with several OOLRs to address a legal issue.

Some clients have had to add a further person to their staff or in a few cases a department to deal with this cascade of generous legal advice.

Legal outsourcing will change the entire legal industry and there have already been instances of clients telling the OOLR that they are too busy and even putting the phone down.

Obviously, taking advice from an overseas resource can have risk but provided that the client does not follow the advice then he should be in no worse position than usual.

(c) Paul Brennan 2011. All rights reserved.

Extract from "How to Make a Funny Legal Presentation ....... and other things that they did not teach you at law school" a book by Paul Brennan to be released shortly. Click here for books, eBooks and CDs by Paul Brennan.

# 99. They make some questionable submissions

The Diarrhoea Defence

If we lawyers do seem occasionally wistful it may be because our moment of fame has eluded us.

In my case, a client had been charged with failing to supply a sample of breath. His car had been stopped by the police, he had tried to run away and during a struggle with a police officer had had an attack of diarrhoea.  

Suspected drunken drivers often fail to provide sufficient breath and are routinely convicted unless they have a reasonable excuse.  An attack of diarrhoea seemed a good reason for not doing any strenuous blowing, or at least it was in my book.  We entered a plea of not guilty.

The cross examination of the police officer began tastefully enough, given the circumstances. But soon descended into unnecessary detail. The failure to control bowel movements seemed further evidence of my client’s bad character and the officer did not want to leave anything to the imagination.

The magistrate remained throughout the evidence with a pained, constipated expression. She seemed unable to step over the diarrhoea part of my submission onto the firmer ground of the legal principles behind the defence. She convicted my client with what seemed to me indecent haste.

My footnote in legal history was snatched from under my nose.

(c) Paul Brennan is a business and property lawyer 'deals and disputes" on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.  Both  "Deals and disputes".

# 98 They stick around

Close encounters

This year, my 29th Wedding Anniversary was on a Sunday. The Friday before, I had flowers delivered to my wife and went home early from work. By the Friday evening, we were not speaking to each other.

It is best to start anniversary preparations early to allow for cooling off periods.

                                                                                                                                                                                            

We had met 31 years before at a New Year’s Eve Party. She was at Law School and I had just returned from Canada. At the stroke of midnight, we kissed, she was stunning but it being midnight, we being strangers, we parted without saying a word.

I was under the mistletoe with another attendee when I sensed someone was interfering with my trousers. I looked down and there she was again tugging at a piece of wool which was attached to my zipper.

Her woollen dress had somehow got caught and, as I had moved away, we remained connected by a long strand of wool which unravelled from her dress. She was trying to retrieve it.

Of course, in those days, if this sort of thing happened you were expected to marry.

It is the best thing that I have ever done and once we were speaking again, I told her.

(c) Paul Brennan 2011. All rights reserved. Paul and Diane Brennan are happily married and have four children.http://www.lawanddisorder.com.au/

# 97. They lack social skills

As subtle as a Judge

I was in a case in a state Supreme Court and half way through the morning the Judge asked “Will all those at the Bar Table join me for morning tea?”. It dawned on me, and the other Solicitors, that we were at the table behind the Bar Table and  the invitation was to the barristers in the case only.

In the 1970s, my brother, after time as a British expatriate tea taster in India and Ceylon, was posted to Melbourne.  On the first weekend he had been invited for drinks at a friend’s house in the country. He hailed a taxi and sat in the back. 

The taxi driver turned around and said to him “Well, you are an unsociable bastard, come up and sit in the front with me”. It is still not uncommon for Australian passengers to sit in the front seat of taxis.

                                      

Not understanding the local custom, my brother very reluctantly sat in the front  passenger seat. After a long silence the taxi driver asked “And where would you be going on a hot day like today?”. My brother felt that the driver was being a little over familiar but said  “Actually, I am going to friends for drinks” to which the taxi driver replied “Well, it is so hot, I think I’ll join you” and he did.

None of the Solicitors in our case, including me, seemed prepared  to tell the Judge that we would join him or accuse him of being unsociable and therefore we trooped down to the Canteen.

Recently, the Economist said that everything about Australia was wonderful except the politicians. However, if the truth be told it is not all beer and skittles in the courts, for instance, Australian Judges can be just as scary, insistent and occasionally, forgivably tactless as anywhere else.

(c) Paul Brennan is a business and property lawyer on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.  Both  "Deals and disputes".

# 96. They hate parents

Parents not coping with finances

Dear John

My parents are getting on and I am concerned that they are no longer able to exercise their usual prudent financial rigour to the assets that they have amassed. This is of particular concern to me as I have inherited only “Right Brain”  artistic type genes and money has not really interested me up to now. But I would be extremely distressed if it stopped short.

Should I take on some of the burden of managing my parents' finances?

Worried Daughter

Dear WD

Most children believe that their parents are well meaning but a little daft, or is that just my children? Parents are not to be trusted with decisions concerning  your inheritance as the consequences of a wrong move can have serious implications for you. They could go completely gaga and spend it! Therefore you must get involved. Once you start applying estate planning principles to your parent’s money rather than your own it becomes a fascinating subject.

JF

(c) Paul Brennan 2011. All rights reserved.  Extract from John Fytit’s International Legal Problem Page. For more go to   http://www.lawanddisorder.com.au/legaladvicepage.html

# 95. They are never happy

John Fytit’s International Legal Problem Page.

YOUR LEGAL QUESTIONS ANSWERED

Dear John

My lawyer has nagged me for years about making a will.  He said it is one of the cheapest legal things that I can do.  I finally gave him instructions but he expressed no joy at my change of heart. He then charged me like there was no tomorrow.

What's going on?

TN, Mauritius

Dear TN,

In the past, there was always an unspoken understanding that a client, having made a will, would do the right thing and promptly fall off the perch.  Now, even clients who have every intention of pegging it, seem to hang on.

Medical practice has changed. It used to be three score years and ten and that was your lot but now doctors  seem to go all out to keep people going. Losing a few patients, here and there, no longer seems acceptable to the medical profession. Doctors say that they are just trying to meet the elevated expectations of relatives as a result of hospital dramas.

Worse still, clients are being encouraged by well-meaning financial planners and others in the finance industry to make wills long before they have any intention of dying at all.  

Therefore, will prices which have traditionally been based on a quick turnaround, have had to go up. Some firms keep prices down by offering an Early Bird Discount to try to attract the more serious players who although dying still find it hard to resist a bargain. 

Try saying that you haven't been feeling well that may help.

JF

Send your legal questions to john.fytit@lawanddisorder.com.au

Warning:

1. Relying on legal advice from a fictitious cartoon character although cheap is imprudent.  However your own lawyer is always available as a poor second.
2. John will try to deal with your question in this eZine.  As John is a two dimensional cartoon character it will not be possible for him to enter into personal correspondence with readers. 
3. John like some other lawyers is not to be trusted with serious legal questions.

John Fytit is the name of the central cartoon charter in Law & Disorder cartoons which started in Hong Kong in 1992. He is from the fictitious Hong Kong firm Fytit & Loos (pronounced “Fight it and Lose”). A very unsuccessful name as people read “Fytit” as “Fit it”. The International Problem Page started in 2005.

(c) Paul Brennan 2011. All rights reserved. 

Click here for the relaunched "John Fytit’s International Legal Problem Page". Extracts also appear  on this blog.

# 94. They can ruin your wedding

Younger sisters as bridesmaids

Dear John

I am worried that my younger sister will try to upstage me at my wedding. Legally, how can I stop her?

C.M. Berkshire, UK

Dear CM

Younger sisters can be selfish however, rather than causing family upset by barring her from the wedding, a Deed of Indenture would allow you to stipulate such things as how many times she can bend down to pick up your train and a minimum bridesmaid weight requirement to prevent excessive dieting.  A provision for a weigh-in the night before the wedding can be quite fun.

So too, the Deed can provide appropriate standards for the bridesmaid’s dress and a carefully worded Undergarment Clause can ensure firstly, that underwear is utilized and secondly, that it is sensible such as knee length bloomers and a cotton vest.

Finally, the Deed should grant her a licence to attend the wedding which can be withdrawn if she ignores her legal obligations and she can be deemed to be a trespasser.  As a trespasser, your sister could be removed from the wedding using reasonable force.  In the event of any resistance on the part of your sister, call the police immediately, as if you did not have enough to do.

The removal of your sister from the wedding in handcuffs with appropriate use of the Taser (only if necessary) may be distressing for some of the guests.  However, your restraint in the use of a Deed rather that an outright ban would demonstrate that you at least were prepared to turn the other cheek.

JF

(c) Paul Brennan 2011. All rights reserved.  Extract from John Fytit’s International Legal Problem Page. Now written on this blog


For merchandise bearing this cartoon visit our Lawyers in Love Shop

# 93. They can procrastinate

Procrastinating Attorney Inactivity Nuisance Syndrome

Dear John

Is there any way that I can speed up my lawyer? The only thing that he did promptly, during the present transaction, was to go on vacation half way through it.

CB, London

Dear CB

I assume we are dealing with months, rather than years or, in some cases, decades. Generally, except in the case of legal issues arising at 4.50pm on Friday afternoon, a lawyer’s pace does not alter. They tend to show their form early on and like race horses it is best to quickly get rid of the back markers.

It can be a recognized disorder, Procrastinating Attorney Inactivity Nuisance Syndrome (“Pains”). Over the years a Procrastinating Attorney (“PA”) develops coping mechanisms which can make it hard to spot. Such as, he will insist on written communications only, his being intermittent. When pressed he will claim that he was waiting for instructions from his client which may be a surprise to that client. He will call for careful consideration of legal issues while doing little or nothing himself.

If you finally decide to change lawyers the PA will insist on being paid. To avoid argument and further delay, seek donations from the other party and lawyer to the transaction; they may be more than willing to contribute as they have suffered too.

Alternatively, turn to one of the many associations and organisations who are willing to help. Here is an extract from one such organisation’s website:

• Are you afraid to upset your lawyer for fear he will delay even more? • Do you make threats, such as, "If you don't get a move on, I'll leave you"? • Do you have money problems because of your lawyer’s delay? • Do you tell lies to cover up for your lawyer? • Do you think that if your lawyer stopped delaying, your other problems would be solved? If you have answered "Yes" to any of these questions, Clients’ Anonymous (“ C-Anon”) could help you. How will C-Anon help me? In C-Anon you will meet others who share your frustration. It has expanded not only to include clients but other lawyers, partners, spouses, employees, judges and others who have been affected by the delay of a Procrastinating Attorney (“PA”). How does a PA affect others? PAINS is a progressive disorder and only the PA can stop the delay however they never seem to get round to it. We focus on them, where they are, we try to control their delay, we do their work for them. We take on the blame and guilt that really belongs to the PA.

I hope that this helps.

(c) Paul Brennan 2011. All rights reserved.  Extract from John Fytit’s International Legal Problem Page. 

John Fytit is the name of the central cartoon charter in Law & Disorder cartoons which started in Hong Kong in 1992. He is from the fictitious Hong Kong firm Fytit & Loos (pronounced “Fight it and Lose”). A very unsuccessful name as people read “Fytit” as “Fit it”. The International Problem Page started in 2005 and was merged into Paul Brennan’s blog. But, not before John Fytit started to receive real legal questions from various parts of the world.

# 92. They are lousy driving instructors

Fathers, teenage driving lessons and the law

Have you ever wondered why parents usually give their children driving lessons at night? 

I took my son for his first driving lesson in a deserted housing development.  I think I must have said “turn left” as he turned hard right, bumped over the central reservation in the road, then up onto the pavement, carried on driving up the grassy knoll, still gaining speed, over a smallish tree, stopping only when he collided head on with a portable toilet which fell over. 

Who is legally responsible?  The teenage child, being behind the wheel, probably has to take some responsibility; however unfair this may seem.   Also, the parent as supervising driver has a duty to act prudently. For instance, he should pay for a driving instructor and stop being so tight. Also, he should stop watching folksy Disney movies, which encourage him to interact with his teenage children by purporting that it may be fun and a bonding experience rather than extremely stressful, or as in this case, terrifying.

Any parent who finds themselves unwittingly involved in a criminal enterprise with their child, be it, dangerous driving, criminal damage or shoplifting, will be torn between showing the right example and doing a runner.  In this case, I righted the portable toilet cabin, adjusted the bowl which had escaped its mountings and accepted that being covered in it, was a natural part of parenting, only the quantity and source changes.

Within days, my son had learnt enough about driving, to correct a few of the bad driving habits that I had spent a lifetime acquiring and with this constant supervision, I must say that my driving has definitely improved.  To his credit, he listens to me more, especially when I am crying, screaming and covering my eyes.

(c) Paul Brennan 2011. All rights reserved. 

Paul Brennan is a business and property lawyer on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.  Both  "Deals and disputes".

Click here for books, eBooks and CDs by Paul Brennan.

# 91. Property lawyers suck

Why Property lawyers suck

Property lawyers are a little like your mother; they wish you to find a home and live happily ever after but delight in pointing out flaws in the one that you have chosen. 

One trainee lawyer acting for a purchaser conducted his searches against the office address of the vendor's lawyer. His principal commented that this approach was far too cautious.

During my articles in the UK, it was the usual residential conveyancing practice for the purchasers' lawyer to make written Pre-Contract Enquiries about the property to which the answer usually was "No, but the purchasers should rely on their own enquiries".

I may have been a little over zealous in my questioning on one occasion and received the following responses to two of my Pre-Contract Enquiries:
Q. Has the house ever been burgled?
A. No, not unless it was the perfect crime.
Q. How often do you inspect the plumbing?
A. At least once per day and more often during the winter.

Recently, I asked an audience of about 25 business owners two questions:

• Who has experienced legal issues in property transactions? 
• 
  
• Was I acting for you at the time? 

Five people put their hand up to the first question and none to the second.  A small survey but instructive.

(c) Paul Brennan is a business and property lawyer on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.  Both  "Deals and disputes".