Marriage and death

Disturbingly, thirty-eight per cent of murdered women are killed by their husbands. Often, wives are strangled in the bedroom whereas husbands are stabbed in the kitchen. Hence, the increasing popularity of knife blocks.

With the current divorce rate hovering at around fifty per cent, gay marriage will give a much needed boost to the married community’s numbers. However, an unintended consequence could be an increase in the Matrimonial Murder Rate (“MMR”). It would be especially regrettable if traditions were ignored and bodies began to be strewn all over the place. Although, anyone who has seen the Sopranos will know that sexist jibes about men’s reputations for untidiness should not extend to the disposal of bodies where a quick go round with the vacuum cleaner will not do.

Of course, the introduction of same-sex couples could even things up and reduce the MMR by making it less likely that one party could overwhelm the other, a sort of Matrimonial Mutual Assured Destruction (“MMAD”).

A further improvement in the MMR could be achieved by the introduction of polygamy to give married women backup. Saturday night fights between couples could become all night tag fixtures enjoyed by the whole family and neighbours alike.

Same-sex polygamy would allow fanatical football supporters to demonstrate their commitment by marrying and settling down with the entire team and give the rest of us a break.

I asked my wife, “How many husbands do you think are murdered by their wives?” and she said, “Not enough.” I may need back up.

(c) 2013 Paul Brennan. All rights reserved. 

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