I have always been very proud of my son but now he tells me that he wants to put me in a home.
You are not alone. Many parents grow to actively dislike their adult children. They tend not to show it but engage in a campaign of civil disobedience in collaboration with their grandchildren e.g. buying peeing puppies, financing vomit inducing chocolate binges and fast food extravagances, permitting late and inappropriate movie sessions etc. Grandparents can find combining this with breaking wind at inopportune moments very satisfying.
Understandably sons often egged on by wicked daughters-in-law start to give hints about retirement homes at any time after their parents 55th birthday.
Your lawyer will advise you of the 5 point “We Are Staying Put, Son” (“WASPS”) strategy. Use this to make your son’s interjections into your life a less pleasurable experience for him until he backs off.
- Hide all family heirlooms, rings, carpets, watches etc., to stop him visiting you just for the pleasure of inspecting them and declaring which ones will be his.
- If you cannot bring yourself to find an outspoken lesbian lover, invent one.
- Adopt a poison Will clause. This is similar to the “poison pill” strategy which companies use to avoid takeovers. You incorporate a clause in your Will which leaves you son’s share of your estate to someone else. Even rich sons will baulk at the thought of their inheritance being left to say a donkey sanctuary.
- Stop taking hand outs from your son. Bolster your income by taking in washing, playing more bingo, seeking out senior bargains or by simply taking a rich and preferably childless lover.
- Avoid displays of aggressive hatred especially those that lead to police involvement. Any sign of mental instability may enable your son to take over your affairs. Psychiatrists will be on your son’s side, they have parents themselves.
As one grandfather said “keep your enemies close and your adult children even closer”.
John Fytit is the name of the central cartoon charter in Law & Disorder cartoons which started in Hong Kong in 1992. He is from the fictitious Hong Kong firm Fytit & Loos (pronounced “Fight it and Lose”). A very unsuccessful name as people read “Fytit” as “Fit it”. The International Problem Page started in 2005 and was merged into Paul Brennan’s blog. But, not before John Fytit started to receive real legal questions from various parts of the world.
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