Legal cartoons and humorous comment (c) Paul Brennan. All rights reserved.

I decided on 101 reasons as I didn’t want to depress the entire legal profession by having 1,001.
Paul Brennan, Lawyer, Sunshine Coast, Queensland, Australia

Saturday, June 6, 2009

# 53. Their advice is too academic


Extreme Alternative Dispute Resolution (“EADR”)


For those of you who do not have the money, temperament or time for litigation and have no wish to engage in “limp wristed” mediation then another possibility is to “bump off” your enemy.
I do not include husbands and wives as the trouble with murdering your spouse is that you are usually the prime suspect for understandable reasons.
In my view, murder of your enemy is strictly a DIY activity. Unless you are well in with organized crime then it is best not to hire a hit man. They just do not seem to take the same care these days and so often turn out to be police agent provocateurs.
Unless, you are a particularly creative person, do not expect to commit the perfect undetected crime, first time. Although, this does happen in crime dramas with so many others tuning in, the modus operandi of TV programs can be a little oversubscribed.
Do not broadcast your hatred and you will have surprise on your side having spent your life staying within the law without any criminal convictions, except the occasional bit of shoplifting. Your participation in a murder could leave the police baffled with no motive. Even telling your spouse about your hatred can be risky as now they are entitled to give evidence against you and they do. Frankly, if I can be sexist about this for a moment……. especially the wives.
In my view, the best homicidal method is not stabbing, poisoning or strangling (however satisfying those methods may seem). It is running your adversary down in a stolen motor vehicle such as a four wheel drive. The big advantage of a four wheel drive is that owners often leave them open with the keys in the ignition in a sub conscious bid to get rid of them.

But for those of you who are not ready for murder on ethical grounds. One of the great benefits of age is to watch your enemies die before you do. Life prolonging, entertaining and entirely legal.